1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny - like "I" would smell like rotten fruit!

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG FOR GOSH SAKES!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself in private areas. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the doody piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dog-dom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize to ALL of them or just the one's I actually caught?

Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,

When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So... I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

Dear God,

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it that thing about carpets again?

Sincerely, Rocky