GoldWing World    

Dear Rocky:

My owner is confusing me, he continually leaves small scraps of food around that he doesn't want me to clean up, and yet at other times he hands food to me, drops it on the floor for me and expects me to clean his plate.  How can I get across to him how confusing it is to know when and when NOT to eat his leftovers? Panicked Pooch.

Dear Panicked:

Don't worry, this is a common failing in owners.  The answer is simple: apply a correction anytime they punish you for doing your job! Wait until they begin scolding you (you can tell because they will wave their fingers and make odd sounds) then quickly regurgitate and return the food directly on their shoe.  This shows them that you respect their authority and will respond to their demands.  You will probably find that they didn't really want the food anyway, but I've found that repeated use of this technique eventually prevents them from leaving food they don't want you to consume available, thus avoiding the confusion.

Dear Dog Bytes:

The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Pi##ed Off in PA.
 

Dear PO'd in PA:

This is a tough one.  Humans not only have no sense of smell but can't tell from tail position or ear movement what we mean.  I suggest you try and cover up the spot by pooping on it ... even humans know we don't poo and pee at the same time so surely that will help clear up the issue. Alternatively you could just chew up and devour the area in question prior to their arriving home.

Dear Dog Bytes:

I came home from the spa while mom and dad were away to find another dog in MY house!  It keeps trying to bite me and seems to want to steal my stuff.  I used to be worried about squirrels and cats but now I have a CANINE invader.  Mom and pop seem fine with this and have even kept me from retaliating when I try to teach this insignificant creature it's place - what is a dog to do?

Worried Weiner-Dog in Wisconson
 

Dear Worried:

This is odd - I have JUST (5-19-2002) experienced a similar event.  Mom and pop had me incarcerated and introduced to the "electric collar" over the weekend and "I" came home to the new baby-sister from HELL commonly referred to as "Bambi" with similar results.  I figured out the game plan though so maybe I can help you here: For whatever reason humans don't like us to bite.  Not just THEM but ANYTHING other then the food they give us. Yes I know this is unreasonable but just try and bear it in mind - especially when they're watching!  Here is what "I" do when Bam-Bam tries to bite me or gives me "the look" ...

1. Butt her with my nose, or if the parents are around I spin around and hit her with my hips!
2. Jump out of range of her bite (pop normally yanks her back anyway) and pretend I didn't even notice, then do something she CAN'T like play rope with mom and pop.
3. Get even when they're not looking!  My favorite thing is to wait until she's almost asleep then jump up and run to the front door, displaying my majestic physique in an alert position as she struggle to get free and see what it is I'm fending off.  If she is allowed close I walk uninterestedly away (snigger)

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